Last week I was chatting with my friend Adrian and we got to talking about texting. And I said, “Oh, I meant to ask you, you do know that you have those ‘Read’ receipts on your texts, right? So that people can see when you read their text?”

He said, “Yeah, I know. I like it. It feels really authentic. I just want to be truthful about my actions.”

Mind. Blown.

Talk about #RadicalResponsibility!

Because you know how this stuff is … we get a text and pretend we didn’t see it for a while because we aren’t ready to write back or we are busy or just not in the mood, so we let it sit. And thank god we don’t have our ‘Read’ receipts on because we don’t want the other person’s feelings to be hurt if they see we read it but didn’t respond!

But the thing is … we ALL read texts and then don’t respond right away sometimes.

It’s such a common practice, because look, that’s life. And isn’t it our prerogative to return texts whenever we want? Don’t we have the right to sit on things for a bit, let them breathe and then respond back when we are ready?

Of course. We want that consideration. And so, in a sense shouldn’t we allow other people that consideration too? Like Adrian, who is basically teaching people in his life that, “Hey, sometimes I’ll see your text and I won’t get back to you right away, and that needs to be okay if we’re going to be friends. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just doing my thing.”

I loved that!

And isn’t it okay? Not to be on call and on-demand every second? To revoke access at times?

Of course! When you say it like that, it makes sense. This is all about authenticity. Doing what we need to for us, and giving up the idea that we can manage other people’s responses to whatever that looks like. I’ve written about authenticity and self-trust many times.

And, I talked a whole lot about trying to manage other people’s emotions and responses during this summer’s Mindset Makeover 2: #RadicalResponsibility course. And when Adrian told me that, it felt like the epitome of unapologetic authenticity: “I love you and I’ll get back to you, but just not right this second.”

Of course there are times when not returning texts or calls becomes disrespectful or is ill-advised, such as in times of crisis or when there is some kind of agreement about communication. Like when Adrian says his mom thinks he’s dead when he doesn’t respond to a text within a few hours ;)

But in 95% of scenarios, showing someone that you read their text and didn’t respond right back can actually serve as a useful boundary and example of showing up as-is.

Wow!

It reminded me of the early days of JillFit when myself and the other JillFit coaches would take on 12-week fat loss clients. We would do customized meal plans and email access for on-going questions, etc. And when we first started, we would give the clients our phone number.

It was a great value for them, but over time, we found that so much access was actually doing them a disservice. They would text multiple times a day and ask about the tiniest of food choices because they were—understandably—really worried about messing something up every second. And we’d tell them, “Buy this. Don’t get that. A half cup of that. Yes, 100g or less on sodium, good.” Etc.

But what happened was that we ended up being so accessible that we were actually training them to need us!

We were training them to not be able to make decisions on their own. We were training them to be dependent and not think for themselves! Which, if we are talking about creating a sustainable fat loss lifestyle, eventually each person has to take their own reigns and be able to leave the nest. It would never work.

We were doing gals a disservice by being so accessible, and by not giving them the space and time to have their own process. To make decisions on their own, and yes, potentially “mess up” and have to struggle a bit. But there are lessons in the struggle. There is growth in having the full experience, whatever that looks like. There’s value in having the challenges and then debriefing after, in order to learn.

And isn’t that what we are doing by not responding to texts and calls and emails immediately? It’s a microcosm for letting people have their process. And isn’t that a good thing?

It’s hard though, right? Because it kind of feels cold at first.

But what I personally think is even colder is keeping the person in the dark. Not giving them all the information because we are trying to protect their feelings constantly. More like we are trying to protect ourselves from having to deal with uncomfortable situations or being on the hook!

Look, I don’t think you have put your ‘Read’ receipts on ;) But it’s just a small example of someone showing up authentically and truthfully in the world and letting the chips fall, and it’s inspiring! No secrets, no apologies, no smoke and mirrors. I love it.

But scary? Definitely.

What’s one small way you can start showing up more authentically? How can you begin showing your friends and family more of who you are, and then detach from their responses and those outcomes?

Because managing people’s responses makes us miserable. And actually just a control mechanism. And also simply impossible!

The thing about showing up honestly is that it can be terrifying. We are scared of rejection. We are scared of discomfort. We are scared of having to handle other people’s emotions. These are all hurdles that keep us from speaking our preferences and showing up in our truth. We want to manage everything. We want to know we will still be loved, affirmed and “okay” after we do.

But think about it. If you can’t trust your closest friends and loved ones to hold space for you and see your true self, then that’s kind of not really a true relationship because they don’t really know you, do they? They know parts, but the potentially scary stuff you keep under wraps. Again, understandably. But at what point is a relationship simply a ruse because each person is working so hard to placate and please the other?

Hard stuff.

But I tend to think that I would rather allow someone to see all of me, in my imperfect and very human glory and them decide I am not for them, then try to manage “do they still like me?” every second. Good gosh, keeping up pretenses is a full-time job!

Anyway, as always, I have your back, and am in your corner. Let me know what you think and if you struggle with this. And of course let me know if you turn your ‘Read’ receipts on! Haha.

Xo,

Jill