Anyway, more on that in a second, but that night at 2:30am, somehow I’d forgotten about that time in my life, and I burst out laughing. HAHAHAHAHAHA. The whole concept of literally watching 3 hours a day of baking shows is so foreign to me now. Not because TV is evil or anything—hey, we all need our escapism—but because that is so far from what I do now, day to day.

And also … it served as a kind of food porn for me, because I was constantly dieting back then.

I’d watch these shows, and just … I don’t even know how to explain it … just enjoyed watching them mix the batter and frost the cake, and use that strange hard fondant stuff, molding it into edible figurines or whatever. I loved the creativity of the cupcake mixes and the urgency of needing to have it done in a certain time. “Holy crap, we’re not going to have the banana-peanut butter-bacon cupcakes done in time for this big Hollywood event! And our business will be ruined!”

So funny. It was just so fun to watch, it felt like an actual indulgence. A dopamine hit or something. Kind of like living in this fantasy world of sweets where you could eat anything and as much as you wanted and life was so yummy. A stark contrast to the reality I was living in that consisted of dry chicken and asparagus.

Of course, Jade thought I was a weirdo, laughing at me and rolling his eyes whenever he’d walk in and “Buddy” would be fixing a cake. Haha, I don’t know what to tell you … ;)

ANYWAY. As you know, I am not a cook. Hate to cook. But I have done some healthy-ish baking in my life, and when I was dieting all the time, I was constantly trying to find healthier versions of my favorite cakes and cookies. They were … fine. Substitutes. But I would eat the ENTIRE TRAY of low-carb scones because well, they’re more fat-loss-friendly than the regular version, right?

But it was never enough.

Funny to know that in the years since, I adopted #moderation365 and now I’ll just have a piece of whatever looks good, regardless of what’s in it. Intermittent Sample-ing my way through life. And not only do I actually feel satisfied but I’m also not nearly as mentally preoccupied with food.

In 2011, I slowly started adopting a more moderate approach to eating, giving up the all-or-nothing way, and what do you know? The illicitness of food started to dissipate.

True, it took me years to master this practice, but once I gave myself permission to taste that stuff, I didn’t need to watch people making it and eating it because I COULD MAKE IT AND EAT IT TOO, if I wanted.

And what I came to find out was that I didn’t need to make it and eat is as often as I thought I would.

And on to the most ironic thing:

When I made my way to the original Cake Boss bakery in Hoboken, NJ in 2010, I got a huge box of every kind of goody I wanted. Cannoli, cookies, lobster pastry thingies, cake, zeppole, and more (see pic). I took that big box down to the water and started eating it all. One thing after the other.

And about half way through something happened.

I started to realize that … it wasn’t all that good. Not because I was over my sweets fascination (yet) but because literally it was not delicious. And with that realization, my world flipped upside down! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT BUDDY’S SWEETS NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS?

Obviously, there’s no guaranteeing that they would be, but, but, but … I wanted them to be. I had fantasized and romanticized for 3 years! And it was a huge letdown.

Isn’t this often the case though? That thing that we build up in our head—whether it’s a person, a lifestyle we want, a body shape we covet, a forbidden food or a trip we want to take—while it’s certainly admirable, when we actually experience it, we realize that hey, there’s still some messed up stuff here too: I have the body I thought I wanted and I’m still not happy. I finally took that trip to Europe and man, traveling is not that glamorous. I have the lifestyle I always wanted, and what do you know, I still have to work my ass off!

Salivating over sweets and treats I’d been denying myself for years only to find out that what I was missing was not even that awesome, was eye-opening. I should have skipped the years of obsession and just had a fucking cupcake!

If you find yourself building up something in your mind, act on it. Stop obsessing and do something. Uncover the illicitness faster.

When you do, it frees you up to get the lesson faster, move on faster, come to the truth faster and hone what it is you really want much quicker.

What I really wanted was to not be obsessed with food. And had I had the courage to try a #moderation365 approach sooner, I would have realized that that thing I was coveting was actually just a distraction. The shows I was indulging in were only perpetuating my obsession.

Craving chocolate? Instead of white-knuckling your way through not having any for a week, only to binge on it nonstop for 3 days, why not just have a small piece today? Take the edge off. Take the illicitness away faster. Have the experience faster. And in effect, teach yourself that nothing is ever off-limits.

And like me, I think you’ll see that when you can taste anything you want any time you want it, you don’t overindulge. The "treat" becomes much smaller in your head. You reach the weekend and you could take it or leave it. You learn to eat the same whether it’s Monday or Saturday. You trust yourself enough to try a moderate approach.

And though it takes practice and you don’t get it right every time, with every engagement in the process, you are increasing your sense of abundance.

Been there, tasted that. NEXT!

Love you, have a great week!

Xo,

Jill