I remember very clearly when I started my #moderation365 journey, because it was right after a photo shoot that I had prepped for in June of 2011. It was the last shoot in a series of about 10 shoots that I had scheduled over 9 months.
Yes, I was “dieting” for 9 months straight, trying to attain the perfect body.
On one hand, I
liked my look (and was addicted to maintaining it!) but on the other, much larger hand, I was exhausted—physically and mentally. I’d cry to Jade about how I had to do 2 hours of cardio a day or else I felt out of control, like I’d immediately gain 20 lbs and then … I guess, that would mean … I wasn’t good enough? Lovable? Okay? Worthy?
When you feel like your self-worth is wrapped up in your physique, it can be hard to release the reigns on your routine, or what
you think you are in control of.
I spent years thinking that if I could just control what went in my mouth, then I could control what my body looked like, and if I could control what my body looked like, then, uh, I would be worthy (and happy and respected and loved and admired, blah, blah, blah).
Little did I know the ultimate in control is the ability to TRUST myself and the process and, gulp, actually not do 2 hours of cardio a day,
and love myself anyway!
That was a reality I came to much later.
So back to June 2011, and I remember saying to myself, “Okay Jill, this is it. No more shoots and shows to ‘diet down for,’ you’re going to have to figure out a way to eat forever.”
And I was terrified.
The idea of never having a time when I would diet again meant that the times I could “let loose” and “relax” with food and
eat anything I wanted were also over.
See, when you eat with an all-or-nothing approach, it’s the times you know you are going to start a diet again that mentally allow you to have times when you can eat whatever you want. This is why we feel urgency to eat all we want on Sundays, as the fun of the weekend is winding down. The impending “Monday morning” is looming. So we binge.
See, the dieting times fuel the binging times, and
vice versa. You feel the freedom to eat to your heart’s desire with the safety of knowing that you will start a diet again soon.
It’s thing Ping-Pong effect that becomes habit, until we don’t even understand the concept of eating the same thing on Monday that we do on Saturday. Trying to eat moderately every day feels impossible. And sad almost. I’ve had people ask me, “Jill, will I never be able to eat freely again?”
And the answer,
when it comes to #moderation365 is … no. BUT. The key, and the thing that people miss is that … you reach a point that you actually don’t want or need to. You naturally don’t feel that inclination anymore precisely because you have been working on reducing those times of deprivation.
Remember, preventing a binge starts much earlier than the second you are in the pantry ready to go hog wild. Preventing a binge starts with removing feelings of deprivation
because those are the feelings that lead to overindulging later, whether it’s this weekend, next month or in 12 weeks after you’ve gotten off stage or finished this program you’re on.
And so, I garnered a little bit of courage and asked myself, what’s the worst that can happen? I try this more moderate way of doing things, and allowing myself some things that would normally not be “on plan,” and … I gain weight. Okay, what would I do then? I mean, the old way of 2
hours of cardio and going back on a contest diet will always be there, so … I could just do that if I started to feel out of control, right?
Obviously that’s not ideal, but when I gave myself mental permission to have an out (i.e. the old way), it allowed me the freedom to try a more moderate approach. It offered the control that I was scared I was giving up.
And so I started slowly incorporating non-contest prep foods into my day. Things
like cheese and bacon and ranch dressing and protein bars and more nuts and a glass of wine with dinner and some sugar-free chocolate. It still felt very much controlled. It was like “controlled cheating.” But I was doing it daily.
And over the course of months, my physiology started changing.
Meaning, I started to naturally feel less inclined to want more sweets or feel the compulsion to eat more, because the preemptive cheats were
doing their job! They were taking the edge off!
So not only was I mentally feeling more satisfied, but my body was catching up and the huge cravings and hunger I used to feel slowly started to dissipate. I KNOW THAT’S HARD TO BELIEVE! Ha! I literally couldn’t even believe it when it was happening to me. I remember laughing and saying, “Oh, THIS is what it feels like to not be starving all the time!” Because prior to that, I would have said I had the largest appetite of
anyone.
I trusted the process, and it showed up for me.
Did I gain weight? Yes, I gained about 5 lbs over 6 months and then stabilized. But what a tiny price to pay for the mental relief of not feeling controlled by food every second!
Okay, so 6 months later, enter the Reece’s Pieces.
My favorite candy, which is—naturally—why my 19-year old brother Danny got me the largest bag imaginable for
Christmas that year:
