Checking in from Sydney, Australia and today I want to talk about fear of how others see you.
But first real quick, I want to share a FREE opportunity to join
The Women's Strength Summit online,
HERE.
It's an online training course for women who are interested in elevating their mind, body and spirit. I am a presenter in the conference (put on by Steph at Stupid Easy Paleo), along with some other super smart and talented ladies like Jen Sinkler, Neghar Fonooni, Nia Shanks, Molly Galbraith, Krista Scott-Dixon, Emily Schromm and many more!
LISTEN TO ALL THE FREE INTERVIEWS HERE.
I speak specifically on #moderation365. Let me know what you think.
Next, I just wrapped up the 4
th annual Radiance Retreat, and could not be happier with how it went. I had the honor to meet and hang with 30 strong, powerful, smart, open and super fun women, all looking to elevate the games in the areas of mindset, body and online
business.
The attitude of gratitude is in full effect.
But one thing brought me up short on the final day of the retreat.
Our day was filled with kettlebell tutorials, Lift Weight Faster workouts and a final goodbye brunch. At the brunch, one of our participants, Australian fitness pro Nardia Norman and I were talking about putting yourself out there, making waves and owning your power in the online fitness space. As you know,
I am a huge proponent of the “Why NOT me?” mentality.
And at one point Nardia said, “But Tall Poppy Syndrome is a real thing here.”
Huh? What the heck is that? I’d never heard of it.
Well, according to Nardia (and Wikipedia), Tall Poppy Syndrome is “is a pejorative term primarily used to describe a social phenomenon in which people of genuine merit are resented, attacked, cut down, or criticized because their talents or
achievements elevate them above or distinguish them from their peers. This is similar to begrudgery, the resentment or envy of the success of a peer.”
WTF. I hate it.
And also according to Wikipedia, low and behold, it is fairly common in places like Australia, New Zealand and the UK.
Tall Poppy Syndrome is unfortunate on so many fronts:
- It holds
back individuals from stepping into their power for fear of being ostracized and because it sucks when people – especially ones you expect to support you – aren’t on your team. The fear of what people will think is such a huge mindset consideration.
- It perpetuates a scarcity mindset where success, happiness and money is limited.
- It keeps society as a whole beholden to the status quo and shuns creativity, thinking differently and especially impactful for women: tells us that maybe
we shouldn’t think we’re that good, or maybe we shouldn’t want something bigger.
Ugh, we have a hard enough time feeling good enough and building self-confidence, we don’t need other people confirming that it’s unattractive or warranted too. No thanks!
So what’s going on here?
This is so fascinating to me. Because though we can so clearly see that it’s those who are insecure themselves that perpetuate the belittling
of others’ achievement—it makes people feel better about themselves if no one else is doing well either—it’s still a huge consideration and something that holds us back.
It’s easy to say, “Well I don’t care, I’m just going to do me anyway!” And I love that, and it certainly starts with a mindset shift. But it’s infinitely harder to do in real time, when those you love and respect don’t support you, and even resent you.
I actually wrote
about this a couple days ago in my #DownUnderUncovered daily email series, and my dad, Pappa Coleman, responded back to the email and urged me to flesh the concept out some more and share some actionable tools to combat it, “Stay the course, honey!” And so I am. Thanks, Dad. And if I have not said it before, thank you for always supporting me in following my dreams and being there for me every step of the way. Love you.
And so, here are some tools and insights to help
you act in the face of your fear of rejection, ridicule, “haters,” judgment, failure or being seen a too cool for school:
1) Forget those who will never interact with you in a business capacity, like acquaintances, peers, friends or family.
This is tough because at first we want to prove ourselves. We want to prove our place among the influential and we want to be seen as competent by those
around us. But those who are making waves are not influential because they got recognition from their peers (most likely that came later) — they’re crushing because they are serving their audience. Aka the people who could actually use your advice, and want it.
And your peers are not your audience. They are not your customers. Your family won’t ever buy from you. They aren’t looking to you for solutions, expertise or value. I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is that when it
comes to your bigger endeavor, your family and friends aren’t relevant.
The only people you should be trying to impress are the ones who are showing up. Cater to them, help them, create solutions FOR THEM. Everyone else shouldn’t even be on your radar.
It doesn't matter how many people don't get it. What matters is how many people do.
2) Steer the conversation and teach people how to treat
you.
One thing that worked really well for me when I was just starting in the fitness space was The Power Lead, a tool I learned from Michelle Geilan, psychology researcher and best-selling author. The Power Lead is when YOU start out the conversation, and go high. Positive vibes, strong conviction for what you are doing, and undeniable confidence.
When you take the lead on the tone of the
conversation, it makes anyone attempting to bring it down a notch almost appear pitiable and even more insecure. Not that the point is to make other people feel bad, but when their low vibes are trying to bring you down, take responsibility for that and steer the conversation to where you want it to go.
This is one of my Jedi mind tricks: tell people what you want them to think, and do it so unbelievably convincingly that they almost cannot respond in any other way. I
did this early on when I encountered some resistance from family and friends—when things got awkward and negative, I literally practically shouted, “Well! I’m super excited about it and I have a great group of people at the gym who support me and are on my team, it’s been great! I can’t wait to watch it all take off!” Lol. But it worked!
And you can even take this one step further: if you want people to be on your team, tell them that you appreciate so much how supportive they
already are. I used this little bit of reverse psychology too. Before I actually felt supported, I affirmed any little positive thing the person did. I responded with overblown gratitude, and slowly, over time, those people actually did start being supportive.
3) Realize it’s the second that you don’t need the affirmation that you get it.
This is an energetic thing and it starts when you
begin practicing abundance and gratitude for the journey and appreciation of yourself, apart from the support (or lack of) from others.
Think about it, how can we ever expect others to be on board when us ourselves aren’t fully convinced of our power and abilities? There’s some introspection work to be done here. It’s not other people’s job to help us feel like we can do it. That’s our job.
And once we get on board
with ourselves, there’s a universal shift that happens. Our outcomes exponentiate and any praise or affirmation we receive is simply icing on the cake, not required for ongoing motivation to action.
4) Practice an abundance mindset.
In 2015, my personal mantra was, “There’s more where that came from,” to remind myself that there’s enough to go around. That life is not a zero-sum game. And to continue to hone
gratitude for the things that come my way.
I know this sounds woo woo, but gratitude is a game-changer. It literally shapes how you perceive the world.
Like Jesse Elder says, “What you appreciate, appreciates.”
So true. I know this first hand. It was only when a) I started operating with an abundance mindset and b) when I started choosing collaboration over competition that my business considerable started taking off. I
was when I was stuck in fear and scarcity and comparison and limitations that every little thing felt like a struggle.
Be an example to others by operating with such radical abundance and generosity that it undeniably proves to them that there truly is enough for everyone.
We can never control how other people see us, but what we can do is come with the confidence and the conviction and watch what
happens.
Don’t be afraid to crush. I’ll always be in your corner (whether you need it or not!).
Xo,
Jill
P.S. Don't forget to sign up for the completely FREE Women's Strength Summit online,
HERE!