Today I want to share with you an insecurity of mine. And I want to investigate it with you in real time, like we would anything else that comes up for us in the Mindset Makeover courses.

Looking your BS in the face is never fun.

But there is always a choice: I can defend, deflect, blame and complain, OR I can take #RadicalResponsibility for everything going on in my life and allow those (sometimes painful) lessons to make me stronger.

And so, I am going with the latter. This is a small example, but I hope it helps you see how this mindset stuff works.

Okay, ready? Here we go.

Yesterday I did an interview with my friend Kevin for his podcast, The FitCast. It was a “Book Club” episode and we discussed one of my favorite personal development books, ‘The Charisma Myth.’

For those of you who haven’t read the book, there are 3 main traits that go into whether we perceive someone to be charismatic or not: presence, power and warmth.

Presence is our ability to give our full attention to others, to make them feel seen and listened to and important. Power is our ability to project competency and authority. And finally, warmth is our ability to make others feel welcomed and accepted, that we care about them genuinely.

As I was doing a refresher for myself prior to the podcast, I was started to get a little uncomfortable.

One of my insecurities was being triggered, and it took me a second to realize what it is:

I have traditionally struggled with portraying warmth in person. Online I think I am more myself, but for whatever reason, talking to people in person I can come off cold or somewhat stoic.

Maybe it’s the German in me, maybe it’s the Boston upbringing (both generalizations, of course), maybe it's just that I go through my day laser-focused, but one piece of feedback I have received over and over again is that I can come off somewhat robotic or lacking warmth in person.

Now, my closest friends see my innermost insecurities and vulnerabilities, and I think if you asked them, they’d say I was warm, caring and open. That’s who I feel I really am. So at times I've had to ask, what's going on here? 

Of course, in the old VC (Victim Culture) days years ago, I might have scoffed at the feedback and written it off. I would have blamed the other person: “Well, if they feel that way, then they’re probably insecure! I can’t help it!” And while that might be sort of kind of true (can I ever control how someone sees me? #no), it is still on me to decide if I want to do anything about it or not.

Of course I don’t have to change at all. I can continue on my way, and a big part of me likes that I feel pretty comfy with the presence and power parts, so not a ton of urgency. But what I don’t like, and what I am working on, is helping people feel more included, accepted, heard and frankly just supported by me, when they interact with me in person (warmth).

So in #MindsetMakeover fashion, I start to do the work: what is going on here? Is there some insecurity here that is keeping me from being completely open and warm with people other than my best friends? What am I scared of?

If I too open, too vulnerable, too accessible then others will see me sweat! They might “find me out” and see that I, too, have struggles. Well, duh! Of course I do! Perfectionism wants to keep my imperfections from being exposed, so it becomes easier to just stay superficial. Only show my good side. Pretend to have all the answers. Gah! Not the most attractive thing to admit, but like Brené Brown says, “Shame can’t survive being spoken.” So there it is.

Look, I write a lot of stuff on the internet. And in order to justify that I have the right to, I’ll often default to hiding behind my expertise. If I show that “I know” then people might overlook the fact that I have a harder time getting personal, when the truth is that I am just like anyone else. I have times where I am scared of getting called out, too. So perhaps putting on my Teacher Hat and just teaching means I get to hide my insecurities behind my knowledge. I can choose safe and certain over unknown and exposed.

Much of our mindset struggles come from feelings of not-good-enough. Needing to be lean, fit, pretty, smart, successful, desirable, WORTHY! And maybe if I project the perfect combination of all those, I will be loved, accepted, affirmed, approved of? THIS is one of the biggest insights and lessons of the 10-Week Mindset Makeover: how do we feel loved, approved of and affirmed all on our own? The Mindset Makeover takes us on the journey to self-compassion, self-love and worthiness apart from our bodies.

I don’t know that insecurities ever go away, but we can at least be aware of them and when we see them pop up now and again, decide what we want to do.

Which brings me to …

Here’s where the choice comes in.

Now that we have the awareness, we can decide how to proceed. What mindset do we want to choose? Which perception will serve us the most?

Do we judge ourselves for not being “there” yet? Do we berate ourselves for being insecure and continue to feed the not-good-enough? Or do we find a way to feel appreciation for how far we've come? Do we decide to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and trust that we're doing our best?

And do we change anything we're doing outwardly?

(Remember, I don’t have to change, but if I am open to coaching and want people to feel a little more cared for when they interact with me, then why not? I can never control how I am perceived (!!!) but I can always do my best to show kindness and understanding).

I was at a book signing for author Ryan Holiday, whose latest book, ‘Ego Is the Enemy’ just came out. I was chatting with him at the signing and mentioned the early copy he sent me. In response, he said something really endearing: “Yeah, I always like to send out early copies because sometimes you just want someone to tell you it’s good! You’ve been with it for so long, you start to second-guess yourself and go from elated to despair in seconds.”

I thought that show of humanity, vulnerability and HUMILITY was really sweet. It made me feel closer to him. It made him more accessible to me.

And it didn’t take away from his genius! It didn’t make him less credible. Instead, it made him more relatable and competent.

To me, honest and open vulnerability is the answer to feeling more connected. And I hoping that this small show of my own process serves as just that.

I want us to feel more connected. I want you to know the real me. I want you to feel like if we lived next door, we’d be best friends. And in order to cultivate that, I need to continue to get more open, not less (and of course, I’d love it if you responded back with your own show of vulnerability, ha!).

Again, none of us has to do anything—we are all perfect, worthy and fine as is—but if we care to work through some of our own insecurities and break them apart, we always have that opportunity through this mindset work.

What insecurity will you investigate this week?

This process is one of the toughest, but most rewarding. But the good news is that it’s simple to get started. Just ask: “What insecurity of mine is this situation triggering, and why?”

And you can go from there. It’s a practice ;)

Thank you for holding space for me today, I am so grateful for it.

Remember, if you are ready to really dig in, you can get started with the 10-Week Mindset Makeover this week only (or the MM2: #RadicalResponsibility course if you want to work on your relationships).

Thank you and know that I’m loving and appreciating you every step of the way.

Xo,

Jill