Today, I am going to tell you a strange story.

But before I do, a little background:

To me, control and trust are opposites.

For years, as you know, I used food and exercise as a control mechanism. If I just could micro-manage my eating and get all my “cardio minutes” in–sometimes up to 3 hours a day!—then I could control what my body looked like. And if I could control what my body looked like, I would be, um, I dunno, accepted, loved, respected, approved of, WHATEVER.

Control always felt like the most important thing.

And the opposite was also true: a loss of control (e.g. a binge-y weekend, traveling, social events, not getting my workouts in, whatever) felt like my world was crumbling.

Until, over time I observed that whenever I felt a loss of control (which was inevitable), I’d become anxious, obsessive, irritable, insecure, impatient and bitchy. Objectively I was the same (my body literally did not change), but my mindset was: this is not good enough, I am not good enough.

And I also came to realize I didn’t like feeling anxious, obsessive, irritable, insecure and bitchy. It sucked.

And so I slowly started the 5-year journey of allowing for less control, and more … trust. Thus began #moderation365 and slowly cutting back on my exercise.

I started trusting in the process, trusting in my choices, trusting that I could handle any outcomes, TRUSTING THAT I WAS GOOD ENOUGH no matter how many cals I ate or how many cardio minutes I did.

And the anxiety and obsessiveness vanished. I now know that I will be fine regardless of what happens.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still work hard and do my best, it just means that I am detached from outcomes because I know I can handle whatever. I am flexible. I am trusting. I am good. I am fine. Or, I will always be fine.

I think it is.

I have written in the past about the ways in which I stopped trying to control everything every second, and instead started to trust myself. Like HERE and HERE.

But I started laughing the other day thinking about the very FIRST time I did this. It’s a small example, and it was when I was a child, but remembering my thought process and how I finally was just OVER IT and started telling my control mechanisms to eff off.

And so today I want to talk about superstitions. To me, superstitions are all about control.

Knock on wood, or else. Rub this thing 5 times, or else. Make sure all the labels on the shelves are facing out in the same direction, or else. Have your lucky socks on, or else.

Silly maybe. But small examples of where we are looking for control outside ourselves (to me, the ultimate control is in self-trust—inside).

I had this one crazy superstitious routine I did when I was young, and I want to share it will you.

I assume you have watched The Brady Bunch at least once in your life?

Well, I saw this episode of when I was about 7, where the Bradys went to Hawaii, and Peter (or was it Bobby?) gets a tarantula stuck in his beach bag. The tarantula then climbs out of the bag while Peter is sleeping and crawls up his body. I actually don’t even remember what happens next, except that as a 7-year old, the idea that a huge-ass spider could crawl up on me while I was sleeping was seriously scarier than any nightmare I could think of.

And thus began my nightly blanket check.

I would get into bed, lie down on my back and pull the covers up, just like Peter did. I would lay there for a minute and then I would crane up neck up and check the top of the blanket on me. No spider. Phew. Then I’d lay my head back down. Then, I’d do the same thing again a minute later. No spider, head back down. Good. THEN I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. Three times I would have to check the blanket for the spider!

And so long as I did that, every night, I was sending a message to someone?? ensuring that no spiders would get me while I was sleeping.

Makes perfect sense! Haha! And it worked? And I did it for years!

Until one day when I was like maybe 11 or 12, and I was just over it.

I remember thinking, ugh, I’m so tired, I don’t feel like doing my routine tonight. What would be the worst thing that would happen if I just skipped it?

Well, the worst thing would be that a spider would get me.

Scary. But I decided to take my chances. So I didn’t check. And whatdoyaknow, I woke up the next morning just fine. It took a few more night to really convince myself that I didn’t need my routine in order to prevent spider attacks, but over time, voila! Over it.

It’s a silly example. But it’s also not in that it shares one very strong parallel with how many of us try to control our eating and exercise in order to feel good enough: it’s make-believe!

And for many of us, going to worst-case scenario—when we really think about it—would actually probably be fine, no?

We can reassure ourselves knowing that we could always change tack, do something else, try harder or something different, re-route, stay flexible, trust that we could do anything we wanted any time we wanted to.

THAT is the kind of trust I am talking about.

So I ask you: what routines, thought processes or beliefs are you still hanging on to because you feel like without them your world will turn upside down? I encourage you to ask some questions:

It always comes back to self-worth.

Self-trust a by-product of learning to truly KNOW that you are okay no matter what. That you are worthy and good and perfect right this second.

It takes awareness, a choice to pursue it, and then practice, practice, practice.

What you think??? Shoot me a message and let me know! And also tell me you had some weirdo superstitions you practiced when you were a kid, ha, to make me feel like I wasn’t alone! Looooololol.

Xo,

Jill

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P.S. On Saturday August 27^th, I am opening up the annual Total Training Experience (TTE) again. It only launches once a year, and that time is approaching. The TTE is a 52-week (!!!) exercise, nutrition and mindset solution. It’s the ANTI-fast fix. And I love this program so, so much. Get it on your mental calendar if you are finally ready to take the long road, the unsexy solution to being able to eat healthy and train intelligently forever. Begins Sept 1^st! More details to come.