Whoa.

So many of you have responded to these emails saying everything from “thank you for the courage you're having to write about things that are so important, but rarely talked about,” to “it’s like you took a magnifying glass and looked deep into my shattered soul and put it all down on paper. I honestly thought I was all alone in feeling the way I do in my relationship,” to “this was amazing and something I needed to hear because I've been struggling to honestly communicate in all my relationships. I'm so grateful you sent this today.”

I’m overcome with gratitude, and I’m excited to share more today about vulnerability and the 3 steps that Jade and I have used to communicate honestly, even when it’s super scary and emotions are running high.

Here’s the deal.

You’re scared to speak your truth because then you’ll have to deal with your partner’s (or friend or family member’s) emotions. They might not get it. You aren’t used to communicating like that. It feels impossible. You don’t want to ruffle feathers.

BUT, at the same time, you know that the things you are not saying aren’t serving you or the relationship, and the time has come to reveal some of your truth—how you feel, what you need, what’s been going on in your brain—and guess what?

What if you’d found out that your partner was walking on eggshells or scared to share things with you? You’d probably be upset. You’d want to know. You’d feel out of the loop and jilted because you weren’t given all the information, too, right? So put yourself in their shoes and see this as a service, not a burden to them.

Okay! So how?

You don’t come into an honest conversation from a place of anger and emotion. You choose to address it not when things are hitting the fan, but before that. This is hard because it’s easy to be “all good” when everything’s all good (thank you to my dear friend Jillian Teta for that one) so we don’t think to have the conversations until things are blowing up. But, in order to stay clear and open, coming to the table clinically and preemptively helps.

You also set the stage but telling the person the exact things you are scared of, like, you’re scared to hurt their feelings and you were really worried about bringing this up to them. By being open and honest about how tough it is for you from the get-go, helps set them up to be more understanding. It’s almost like you’re saying, “But I decided to tell you anyway, because I know you can handle it” as a way to subtly tell them what you expect of them.

Here’s where you take that risk into honesty. Be as transparent as possible with how you see things, with what your intentions are, and also include how much you struggled with this decision to share because it’s hard on everyone.

And remember, this is not bomb-dropping honesty, which looks like, “Here I am! Deal with it or fuck off!” – that’s not the point, and that’s still manipulation because it’s still trying to control the other person’s response. It’s still being in someone else’s business because you’re expecting a certain response from them.

Here’s the even scarier part: enduring the fallout. This is where you allow the person their experience. This is where you allow them to feel however they are going to feel. This is where you give them the benefit of the doubt and TRUST them to handle it all. And you trust yourself to navigate whatever happens because you are strong, in your integrity and can figure it out.

This is actually the most magical part of the 3 steps because this is where you start to feel like all of this is worth it. This is the part that many of us don’t ever get to because we are so busy managing the other person’s emotions and trying to get things back to normal as fast as possible, that we skip this experience.

But this part of the process is the most transformative for you. Why? Because the more you have these experiences, letting the situations breathe and sitting in the discomfort of it all for a bit, the more you start to see that a) you can handle it, b) it’s not nearly as bad as you thought and c) you see evidence that this whole process really is worth it, because look at how your relationship transformed as a result.

The more you wade into this process, the more addicted you become to engaging in these conversations because you see how liberating it can be.

But of course, the first step is trusting yourself enough to jump in! You have to jump in to start getting some wins in this regard. And the more wins you accumulate, the sturdier you and your relationships become. Not fragile, but anti-fragile.

Vulnerability is tough because showing someone the things that you are scared of, stating your fears and struggles, and then trusting others to hold space for you feels like you’re sticking your neck out. What if they take advantage of you? What if they use your vulnerabilities against you? What if they don’t match you with their own?

There’s a misconception that vulnerability is weakness. I actually think it’s the opposite.

To me, the people who are willing to be the most vulnerable with their family, friends and partners end up being the strongest.

They don’t hide behind insecurities or ego. They don’t try to have all the answers. They don’t try to be the smartest person in the room. They are open, available and the most willing to connect on the deepest levels.

We tend to think about intimacy only with our romantic partner in a sexual context, but to me, it’s possible to create the most open, honest and strongest relationships though honesty, vulnerability and understanding—which to me, is intimacy.

Think about it: is there anything more liberating than having a friend or partner who knows everything about you, accepts those things about you, and even loves those things about you.

But we often don’t give people the opportunity to know us, love us and accept us in our rawest forms because we don’t show them.

Can you see how in this way, being vulnerable with someone else is actually a service? A gift? An opportunity to show that person: “I trust you so much, I am willing to let you see all of me.”

For Jade and I, the hardest (but also most transcendent) thing we did together was start to be more honest and more vulnerable with how we were feeling, even in the face of potentially hurting the other person’s feelings.

We had many moments of hurt, but the more we talked, the more empathy, compassion and trust grew out of those conversations. We gave one another the benefit of the doubt that they could handle it. We gave one another the opportunity to elevate the relationship and move it to a deeper place together.

I don’t regret establishing that kind of dialogue even though we aren’t romantically together anymore. Because I can tell you for sure, had we not dove in and started communicating at a higher level, there was zero chance of making it back to a loving, romantic place anyway.

At least now we came out on the other side the best of friends, but more importantly, have helped each other establish this kind of connection with our other friends, family members and future partners.

Operating with honesty, clarity and vulnerability are now nonnegotiables in all my relationships—and even acts as a convenient filtering system for anyone who comes into my life. If they’re unwilling to go there, we’ll still remain acquaintances and we’ll have good feelings, but I won’t go deep with them. And that’s fine too.

You don’t just state your truth once and then if it’s not received well, run back into your cave! Lol.

It’s a slow practice, and something you try again and again, enduring the discomfort of what happens each time you speak your truth. You’ll be amazed at the things you start to uncover.

And in my experience, not only does it get easier, but the other person starts to share freely, too. It gives them permission to come clean with their desires, wants, fears and insecurities too.

Relationships are such an important part of elevating in any way—whether you are trying to build a body, build a business or just better yourself. And managing yours takes insight, action and consistently stating how you want the relationship to go. It’s a practice.

Tomorrow's gonna be a super juicy share, all about #Radicalresponsibility and how we get to literally create our life in every single moment—no one else needed.

As always, I love your feedback, feel free to send me your 2 cents!

Xo,

Jill

P.S. Several of you asked about Jade’s Next Level Romance program yesterday—you can get all the details HERE. The program isn’t even so much about romance (though he goes through some pretty cool research on attraction, dating and more) but it’s more a mindset course. My fav quotable from it: “You have to be the next level to have the next level.” WORD. Let me know if you have any questions – the program is open until Sunday. Xo