Wow, the response to yesterday’s email was insane—thank you so much for all those who wrote in with kind and supportive words, I read every single response. And for those who shared it with their friends and family, it means a lot to me.

I know that this education is not for everyone—and that talking about relationships, and especially marriage—can be kind of touchy. And that’s okay. And if you are someone who feels like they have it mastered—communication, honesty, openness, vulnerability, intimacy, etc.—this week’s emails are not for you.

BUT, after receiving hundreds of emails over the last 4 years at JillFit as a result of getting down and dirty into mindset work, I know that many of you, like me, want to elevate your introspection game, and by extension how you show up in your relationships.

Because at its core, fulfillment and depth of any relationship—romantic or otherwise—is an extension of your own level of personal development and self-realization.

But here’s a question for you:

Carl Jung says that our love for another can never exceed the love we have for ourselves. And the the idea that we should outsource to someone else—whose thoughts, emotions and behaviors we can never EVER control—the self-worth and validation we need as a human is absurd.

And yet, we do it all the time. And I did it for a long time.

This is embarrassing to admit now, but I am going to share it because I think many can relate: most of my life I needed a romantic partner to make me feel good enough.

It was just my #1 value system: have partner = worthy and approved of; no relationship = no one wants me and I’m not good enough.

Gah! That shit is soooo not my value system now, but there it is. As untrue as ever.

And while I was lucky enough to have had amazing partners, I have been in a serious relationship every moment since I was 18. Some may call it “scared to be alone,” but more than that, it was about needing the affirmation of romantic love to validate my worthiness. Just like we might do with a number on the scale, or a title at work—pinning our self-worth on anything outside of ourselves is a huge trap.

And it was THIS lesson that I had to learn the hard way.

If I am reliant on a romantic relationship (or even a friendship) remaining at the status quo, even when I am unhappy, simply because I need it to for my own sense of affirmation, then I might end up being on what I call “the breadcrumb diet.”

The breadcrumb diet is about accepting less than you deserve, but not because of the other person being bad or wrong, but because you have allowed for your own happiness and fulfillment to take a back seat as a result of so many things remaining unsaid.

Often this happens without us even knowing it. It’s just a combination of time passing, plus preferentially not diving into the tough convos. And eventually things can become almost unbearable, but we’re simultaneously terrified to do anything differently.

I spent several years on the breadcrumb diet, not because my partner did anything wrong (by the way, I did this with my parents too, it was my pattern), but because I was out of touch with my truth, my wants, desires, needs and preferences.

And even if I did know them, I was scared that bringing them up would change the situation somehow: maybe Jade would be upset with me, or I’d have to manage his emotions, and it would’ve made me feel not-good-enough or tarnished the perfect façade I was trying to display. Maybe he’d leave me, or he’d lose respect for me.

Maybe if I spoke my truth, our relationship would change.

Duh. Of course it would.

But isn’t that the point? Yes. BUT that’s also the scariest part of all.

So even while I knew things weren’t great and I was constantly scared of confrontation, I was simultaneously terrified of what a change in the relationship might’ve looked like.

Maybe if I spoke my truth, I’d end up leaving and moving across the country and being on my own! Lol.

But seriously, the truth is that most relationships are able to overcome the breadcrumb diet phase if both people can be committed to clear and honest communication.

Operating with clear and honest communication means diving into the things that have gone unsaid in the past. Having the scary conversation. Bringing up that thing you are terrified of saying because you fear the change or the emotion or the other person’s response.

Because that’s what we are most scared of, right?

If we speak our truth, there’s a real possibility the other person will get upset or not be open to it. They might get mad and their anger might directed at you. They might not agree. You’d argue.

BUT SO WHAT.

The point is not to placate.

The point is to evolve the relationship.

I don’t know how anyone evolves a relationship without some friction. And I don’t think friction is a bad thing. In fact, it is the often the very thing that needs to happen to bring the biggest issues to the forefront to even have a chance of being worked through productively for ultimate connection and trust.

Over the years, I have witnessed the potent utility of honest communication and I’ll never go back. I have a more trusting relationship with Jade, my parents and my closest friends as a result of having the toughest conversations.

Honesty allows for us to communicate freely before we get to the place of resentment and anger and passive-aggression.

Coming to the conversation calm, collected and not on the defensive helps facilitate communication and understanding. The other person tends to be more open to the suggestion or your point of view when you do two things:

This is where vulnerability comes in (which is going to be topic for tomorrow’s conversation).

Okay, a quickie recap!

Honest, open communication is scary AF for many of us. But think about it: you can only have it one of two ways: 1) Smooth sailing on the surface, supported by a rocky foundation of insecurity, dishonesty, codependence and preferences unspoken, OR 2) discomfort, fear and uncertainty in those moments of honest conversations (which get easier BTW!), in order to create a foundation of solid connection and depth.

The good news is that you can begin any time with establishing a new way of being if you want to increase the depth and connection in the relationship.

Zero obligation, but I would be doing all of us a disservice if I didn’t mention it.

Let me know if you have any questions, and I am looking forward to continuing the conversation tomorrow.

Lots of love,

Jill