I want to share with you something that happened a couple weeks ago.

It was brought to my attention that a fellow fitness professional and blogger shared my recent post about how I handled my Italian vacation, with the angle that “I must be crazy” to have implemented all the “rules” I did while I was there. This gal said it was “sad” that felt compelled to limit myself when it came to pizza and pasta, I was “in Italy for fucks sake!” 

Fine. I actually get a lot of people questioning my moderate approach and calling it either not hardcore enough or too strict because, "Jill, if you really believed the self-love message you tout then why focus on nutrition at all? Don’t be so obsessed, Jill!"

It is what it is.

But then I read the stream of comments, many from women who had been following me for a long time, and I saw several surprising things. Just a few examples from dozens of comments:

These were some of the nicer, more insightful shares.

And I do take these to heart, not because I think I should change anything – besides what works for me works for me – but because I think this brings up several very important discussion points about the health, fitness and fat-loss process. Yesterday on the JillFit Facebook page I addressed what I consider the relationship between self-acceptance and physique results. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive.

Today, I want to talk about “rules.”

I hate rules.

You gals know this. In fact, it was precisely my questioning of “the rules” that helped me go from yo-yo dieter to automated eater years ago. I stopped needing to follow every single one of them to a T, or else I thought I was no good. I was only “good” when I was “on point” and “on plan.” So when I was not able to, inevitably, follow the strict meal plan in front of me, I sucked. I was, in my head, a fat, weak and undisciplined girl who had nothing to offer the world.

In other words, in the old days, my rules, or rather my ability to follow them, dictated my self-worth. To me, if there was ever I time when I had the most disordered eating approach it was then.

And then about 4 years ago, I started calling bullshit on all of that.

Because the bottom line was that I didn’t want to be a miserable dieter anymore. I didn’t want to have to follow some random plan to feel worthy. I didn’t want to count calories and macros and cardio minutes to feel in control. I wanted nutritional freedom. And at that time, I was so fed up with the yo-yo cycle I was in that I actually didn’t care if chucking the rules made me gain 20 lbs. JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!

But, to my surprise, not only did I not gain a ton of weight instantaneously, I started slowly getting less and less obsessed with food. I stopped counting. I stopped feeling anxious about my meals. I stopped worrying if there was going to be enough or if the place I was going would have “my food.”

I slowly stopped the obsession.

I think this is an important discussion to have, and to me, the difference between rules and guidelines is perfectly represented by the difference between an all-or-nothing approach versus a mindful approach, respectively.

When I was caught up in the all-or-nothing dieting approach, I actually needed rules. They were my anchor. They were the thing that made me feel in control. If I could just follow these hard and fast rules using white-knuckle willpower, well, I’d get the body of my dreams and I could stop feeling so inadequate!

Well, we all know how well that works out. Even if we're able to do it for a time, and see some results, it’s unsustainable because the degree of awareness is extreme. For me, the major difference between needing to follow rules versus living with easy guidelines begins with our degree of awareness.

I tend to think of awareness on a spectrum: on one end, we have extreme awareness, or what I consider obsession. This is when the majority of your time and mental energy is dedicated to thinking about food and exercise – how many more minutes until my next meal? How many protein grams is this? How much carb have I had today? Where am I with my water? What time can I head back to the gym tonight? What treat will I eat this weekend???

It might not feel like it in real time, but this is a full time mental job. And it also leaves very little room for other mental pursuits like social time with friends and family, reading, writing, working on a business idea, being creative, doing some introspection work, whatever.

Rules create a false sense of control. And they perpetuate the “good” and “bad” self-characterization scenarios. And to me, they are the cornerstone of those who are both at the extreme awareness end of the spectrum AND the other far end of the spectrum, which I call “brain shut-down mode.”

Brain shut-down mode is the opposite extreme and it’s zero awareness. Brain shut-down mode is when you’re eating with abandon and pretending it’s not happening. It’s that zone-out binge mode. We’ve all been there. And the all-or-nothing dieting mentality perpetuates this vacillation between the two extremes. Finding a middle ground feels impossible. And honestly, not even enticing.

And that middle ground? It's mindfulness.

The nature of mindfulness is that it’s actually easy once you start practicing. It’s simply thinking. But automated thinking. A 24/7 level of awareness that is actually not hard to maintain because it’s just an operating system.

And when you stop vacillating from one extreme to the other, mindfulness becomes a relief, not something that’s hard to do. Mindfulness is successfully navigating the middle of the awareness spectrum constantly and effortlessly. And when you operate mindfully, you don’t need rules.

Rules by definition are not supposed to be broken. On the other hand, guidelines are suggestions. They are navigational tools that help us stay mindful and moderate. They are flexible and they are easy to follow, not rigid.

Guidelines are useful. Strict rules that need to be followed to a T or else, are not.

So when I see the thread of horrified women who assume I’m depriving myself in Italy because I am not eating all the pasta and pizza and gelato in sight, it’s clear that they don’t quite understand mindfulness. And that’s not meant to be condescending, but instead a recognition that none of us know where we are on the journey until we see where we are on the journey. If someone had tried to tell me to approach a trip to Italy mindfully and moderately 5 years ago, I would have had the exact same reaction these ladies did.

I get it. And on one ironic hand I can actually appreciate the concern. But the bottom line is that my current approach is the easiest it’s ever been, and I am navigating the middle effortlessly. It’s an amazing feeling. No more strict rules, but instead a steady level of awareness that guides me. No urgency. No Food FOMO. No stress about too much or too little food. Just 100% self-trust 100% of the time. 

Not to make light of this term, but my honest opinion is that we all have disordered eating to an extent. How could we not? There’s not really a solid definition of “normal eating” so for me, the way that works for you is the way that works for you. So to call any way of eating “disordered” in my opinion is simply shortsighted. I mean, couldn’t I make a case for why eating pizza and pasta and gelato with abandon is actually disordered eating?

I actually don’t think the term itself is bad. I think it’s just relative. And that’s fine. We all eat the way we do, and it’s going to be different than the next person. Who’s to say what’s normal?

It’s all good. Do you.

Finally, I want to talk about criticism. It’s kind of unlike me to bring something like this up. And to be honest with you, this email is not so much to prove anyone else wrong or to point out “haters” – in fact, people are entitled to their opinion and way of doing things, it’s no less valid than my approach. It’s actually all good.

But, the key for me as a business owner and as someone who puts a whole lot of their life on display, is remembering that any time I have the opportunity to do so, the key is finding the discussion points and turnarounds. I like learning and I like sharing.

And I actually secretly like criticism and trolling because it helps me get even clearer on my approach. It helps me become a better communicator. It challenges me to own my shit. And it gives me the opportunity to share my experience and hone my story. I like it!

It’s easy to be a critic; just sit back and judge. It’s infinitely harder to be a creator. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. Getting to create and share and teach and connect is like nothing else. It’s the most rewarding thing, even with the occasional person who wants to put you on blast with negativity. I won’t ever understand that, but it’s also not for me to understand.

It’s all good. I am grateful for the journey, for the insights, for the opportunity to discuss all of this further and yes, even for the emotional hits I get when someone doesn’t like my stuff (I’m human after all! ;)). It’s a learning opportunity, and what’s more amazing than that?!

Of course, I always welcome your feedback. Feel free to respond with your thoughts.

Have a great weekend!

Xo,

Jill