Today I want to talk about asking for help. Ready to go mindset-deep with me today? :)

Yes, yes, I know it’s the holidays and I should be sending you some 2014 wrap-up or a holiday gift guide (oops, too late!) or motivational strategy for the new year – maybe that'll be next week, ha! – but today it’s asking for help, because it's on my mind and so many of us struggle with it.

It seems like most people fall into one of two categories: 1) Those who ask for help constantly and are put out when you can’t meet their needs and 2) Those who never ask for help because they don’t want to risk being #1.

Obviously there’s a middle ground, but many of us don’t walk it because it’s hard and has a lot to do with trust.

Here are a few common scenarios that come up re: asking for help:

Say you’re someone who's pretty self-sufficient and independent. It’s probably hard for you to ask for help because you don’t want to appear like you are struggling. I fell into this category for a long time, and while it has its merits (hello, accountability), it also reinforces your bias that no one will ever be able to help you. Maybe they're just not as smart as you, or as capable as you, or as insightful as you, or as levelheaded as you, or because you don't want to burden them, or they have their own things going on, etc. We don’t ask for help because we don’t trust that anyone can really give us anything we can’t give ourselves.

And that is a sad state of affairs. And to me, also not true.

I began to overcome this tendency in myself about 4 years ago, during a time I was struggling emotionally. I kept to much of my pain inside because “no one can possibly help me” and to be honest, I didn’t want people to see me sweat. I wanted to be able to have it all figured out on my own, and then put on the everything’s-perfect face. Well, I finally did open up to a friend and it proved to be the relief I was craving, not to mention advice that helped me.

The key though, was trust.

I had to trust my friend with my feelings. I had to trust that she wouldn’t judge me. I had to trust that she could hold space for me. I had to trust that she wouldn’t think me burdensome.

And the final piece was trusting myself: what if she couldn’t be there for me? It’s certainly her prerogative to dismiss my struggle and say she’s too busy or maybe she wasn't able to listen without judgment.

And if I was really going to learn to trust fully, I had to come to terms with all possibilities and release all attachment to it. Luckily, she was able, but if she hadn’t been, my practice would have been finding a way to be fine regardless <---Self-trust!

Because expectations can be dangerous, right? On one hand, it’s human to have them, but when we can only operate based on what others can do for us or whether they are there for us or not, it might be time to work on the self-trust piece.

But that doesn’t mean we stop asking for help, because receiving help can be a beautiful, enlightening thing that deepens connection. That’s certainly what I’ve found. But the connection needs to be win-win for both people, meaning that when one needs to do something else, that has to be okay. And releasing attachment to that can be tricky.

---> Are you with me?? I know I am getting a lot introspective today :-P

Next scenario. Super common:

You do what feels like putting your neck out and ask for help. It takes vulnerability to ask for help. It takes putting yourself out there and letting the chips fall – again, self-trust and detachment from outcomes.

So you ask for help from someone you trust, you test the waters. They are able to help you and it’s great. And then, they come back months or years later and hold it over your head. There’s an expectation there, like, “Well I helped you, now you are obligated to do this thing for me.” In other words, now you owe them.

Ugh. Don’t you hate this? Nothing worse than someone saying you owe them!

Or is there?? What’s going on here?

To me, there’s two things going on:

Just like their ask, while you don’t like it, is still their prerogative, you have a choice too. Your choices include:

The first and third options are always the hardest to do, but they are also the options that keep you from being miserable. The second option is the most common, and when we do that, it’s bad for both us and them. Because we're miserable, and they get reluctant help that’s probably not your best output because you are doing it out of obligation and guilt rather than a true desire to help.

I don’t know about you, but when I ask someone to help me, the last thing I want is for them to do it out of pity or obligation – ugh! So give the other person that consideration too. It’s actually doing them a disservice to help when you don’t actually want to – it’s hurting your relationship and it undermines trust.

The trusting thing to do would be to have the uncomfortable conversation and lay it all out on the table. Just because someone can’t help or won’t doesn’t make them (or you) a bad person. An honest 'no' will always beat a begrudging 'yes.' 

Finally, the last piece: give others the benefit of the doubt.

Underestimating the willingness of others to help is a common mistake. Isn’t there a possibility that people actually want to help? That it’s not burdensome? That it’s actually something people derive joy from?

Not everyone wants to judge you for struggling. Not everyone wants to rub it in your face that you don’t have it all figured out. Not everyone is going to hang it over your head later.

And you know what? Even if they do, you still have a choice in your response.

I find that when I learn to trust myself, trusting others becomes natural, easy. I don’t have to be scared of it, because I see all the angles. I am fine with whatever, and I am able to release attachment to outcomes.

And when someone comes through for me, I love it because our connection deepens. Our relationship grows. But without my asking for help, we don’t ever get that opportunity.

And when someone doesn’t come through, I love that too, because it forces me to learn to trust myself and practice compassion and kindness toward them. It’s a win-win.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

Wishing you and your family an amazing holiday!

Xo,

Jill