I want with you to share something I’ve been doing a lot lately.

Nothing.

Well, actually I have been doing a whole lot of stuff – like my Best of You gals say – I’ve been #GSD’ing or “getting shit done,” but in some areas of my life, my recent practice has been getting comfortable with non-action.

Let me explain.

Byron Katie says, “It is in the non-doing that all is done.” When I first heard that, I was like, WTF? What does that even mean, and homegirl is cuckoo because the only way things get done is if I do them!

Besides, if there’s one thing that is a huge value of mine it’s taking action. I love taking action. Anyone who knows me knows that I #GSD constantly.

Taking action helps me assume full responsibility and puts me in the driver’s seat of my own life – my successes and failures are 100% a result of my effort and intention. And to me, there’s nothing more liberating than that. There’s nothing more magical.

Taking action is THE THING that helps me overcome self-doubt and build my confidence and boost my self-efficacy so that I can … take more action! It’s a feed-forward cycle. Read about how I use action to overcome self-doubt here.

But recently, the option of not acting is becoming a consideration of mine. Because what about those times when taking decisive action doesn’t really serve us, because if we did take action, it would only be out of a need to control versus a genuine desire for an outcome.

Let me give you an example.

I was talking to a friend of mine last week, and she’s a newlywed – married just a few months. I was asking how it was going and she shared with me something that they were both struggling with, and at the same time also overcoming.

The first month or so of their marriage was a little rocky. Lots of changes (obvi) and like most do when adjusting to married life, they found themselves arguing at times. Normal stuff. But, what started happening was they started threatening divorce as a way to prove their conviction and as a way to make a point in the argument. The thing was, though, that neither one of them actually wanted a divorce. They were just slinging the threat as a way to get their point across. And it was causing a rift in communication and a lot of fear and stress, and considering it wasn’t actually an outcome either one of them really wanted (after taking the emotion out of it), it was becoming a huge distraction that wasn’t serving them.

In this case, the “taking action” choice would have been to leave the marriage. You can see how in the heat of an argument, this would feel like being in control: “I’m the one leaving YOU!” It feels like doing something. But it’s not actually what you want. It’s a false sense of control, right?

Anyway, my friend told me that after a few arguments like that, they finally sat down and agreed that divorce is not actually what either of them want, and in fact, they both want the opposite: safety in their relationship and the freedom to speak their mind and communicate without the other person threatening to leave.

So the lesson is this: when action is taken as a desperate attempt at controlling a situation or to get the upper hand, it may not be the right choice. Yes, you learn through taking action, messing up and growing, but there’s a second option, one I'm finding might also be viable:

This is my new practice. Sitting in the discomfort of something without having to act or have all the answers or know exactly what’s going to happen.

It’s really, reeeeaaaaally hard for me to do at times, because when I feel that emotional hijack or something gets me riled up, it feels good IN THE MOMENT to take brash action. It feels like I am back in my power (eff you!), when really I might be worse off after forcing a situation that I didn’t actually want.

This is a balance of control versus trust.

Control is an illusion. And trust is the opposite (and actually the ultimate in control). Trusting life, trusting the process, trusting the journey, trusting YOURSELF that you can handle anything that comes up – THAT. Is magical.

When you trust yourself to handle whatever happens as a result of your action (or non-action), it feels liberating. It’s releasing the urgency of needing to have all the answers and instead allowing yourself to simply relax into the process.

Because I’ll tell you this – in my experience, you can be as “in control” as you want, but life will always have other plans for you. It’s inevitable. None of us get out of this world without dealing with some struggle and some challenges. And ironically, it’s in those moments where you feel like you finally, FINALLY “get it” that life gives you that smack across the face to remind you that you still need to grow, and there are still some lessons left for you to learn.

I love this. I hate this.

It’s transformative. It’s agonizing.

It’s liberating. It’s terrifying.

But it’s life.

And what I’m coming to find out is that the more I try to control outcomes and put my perfect little plan into place, the more obstacles get thrown my way. And I don’t know that that process ever ends. And on my good, clear days, I hope it never does because ... #lessons :)

Hence my current practice: be open to outcomes, not attached to them.

I want to be able to NOT do, and still feel in my power. I want to be able to TRUST and relax into my process and see where it takes me.

Yes, action will always be a value of mine. It’s magical. But now I have an appreciation for the nuance. I appreciate discerning the times in which taking massive action serves me, and the times in which I should take the path of non-action, like BK said. THAT is what helps me transcend and grow and get better as an individual and in my relationships, business, whatever.

I guess I would call that strategic action. And at times, the strategic move is sitting back, observing and letting the chips fall wherever they are going to: “In non-doing, all is done.”

I can do that. I can be patient when I need to be. I can wait until all the cards are on the table. I can stay aware and awake without brash movements. I can allow the process to take place.

The good news? When the outcomes do appear, I trust myself enough to know I can handle it. I can handle anything. It’s all good!

Whadda think? Do you have something in your life you’ve been chomping at the bit to have resolved? Be discerning. Would action serve, or is non-action and patience the answer? Do you have the courage to trust the process? To give up that (false sense of) control you’re clinging to so tightly? Could you, ahem, trust yourself to handle whatever the fallout?

Because the ultimate in control is really being able to rely on you whatever comes your way. You got this. Of course you do.

Have a great rest of the week, and know I'm loving you!

Jill