When I was competing and fitness modeling, for years it was all about me: Are my abs popping yet? Sorry, can’t make your birthday party, gotta get my second cardio in! Ugh, whyyyyy do we have these cookie in the house – you know I can’t eat them! Baby, just sit at my competition all day waiting for me to get on stage for 5 minutes, thanks! Make sure you pick up enough turkey for you too, you know I have my “allotted amount” and I don’t share! Yes, my show is coming up! Yes, I am excited! Thank you for appreciating my progress! Thank you for giving me all sorts of warm fuzzies! Sorry, I don’t know what’s going on in your life because I am so busy/important/focused/impatient that I don’t really have time for you, bye!

Okay, okay. Obviously some of this is a little exaggerated, and gosh, I certainly didn’t think of myself that wat consciously while I was competing and modeling, but looking back, it was incredibly easy to let my goals and drive not only consume all my time, but then I also expected those around me to care about my stuff just as much, and adjust their eating/schedule/priorities accordingly. (I keep getting that flashback to the movie Office Space when Lumbergh (the boss) says, "Yeah, if you could just do that for me, that'd be greeeeaaaaat.") Lol.

The bottom line is this. It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in our own stuff – and I am definitely someone who struggles with remembering to take an interest in other people—not because I don’t love them, but because I have always been so self-focused (especially growing up an only child) that it’s more natural for me to do my thing without stopping to pay attention to others.

This has since changed quite a bit, but for many years in my mid-twenties and younger, I struggled with reciprocity, thoughtfulness and going out of my way for others. I simply thought, “I’m taking care of my own shit, they can take care of theirs.”

It’s not that this way of doing things is necessarily “bad” but here’s what started happening: I was so self-focused and a borderline selfish/egomaniac, I never felt worthy. In fact, I could only feel adequate when I was in “show shape” or super-lean, dieting like crazy. And because I was so myopic, I had no sense of worth outside my own accomplishments and what was going on in my world. I had no purpose or context for contribution in the world.

This is what I consider the negative end of the “doing for others” spectrum. E.g. doing practically nothing for others. And it felt me feeling empty, depressed and with very little meaning in my life.

On the other hand, I think many of you probably struggle on the extreme positive end of the “doing for others” spectrum: you do everything for others, even often to your own anxiety, unproductivity and unhappiness.

I know many of you feel obligated to do things that aren’t really your choice. Or you act out of guilt, fear of rejection or because you don’y want other people to be upset with you.

You say yes to that party, when you would rather stay home and read, because so-and-so might think you’re a bitch if you decline. You stop by a family member’s house, maybe someone you don’t really get along with or even like that much, because you don’t want to be rude and besides, “we’re blood.” Your daughter wants you to go shopping with her even though you had plans this Saturday to work out and meet friends for lunch because well, she needs you and can’t possibly go shopping on her own. You drop everything for that friend who needs you, even though she seems to “need you” every single day and it’s always a complete draining drama.

Why do we do these things, often to our detriment and our own unhappiness?

We say “yes” when we want to say no because we are scared of what others will think. We don’t want to be rejected. We don’t want people to think we’re too busy or too good (kind of like I was!). We’re scared people are going to judge us as selfish or that we are going to hurt people’s feelings.

I completely and totally get this. I have acted out of guilt many times in my life. And even though in those times, I endured just fine, it was not optimal. It was actually really anxiety-producing, constantly waiting for someone to be upset with me because I wasn’t doing enough/being enough for them.

Yikes! Can you see how this is a trap, too? Only feeling worthy when we are doing for other people?

So often we do this without even knowing it, until we wake up years later and realize we have been living someone else’s life. Our schedule is not our own. We derive zero joy from our day-to-day activities and we feel like life is passing us by.

This is a really hard thing to become aware of.

But I am going to give you some tough love right now. Are you ready?

Are you SURE you’re ready?

Absolutely sure? ;) If not, stop reading right now …

… …

…

You actually created this scenario for yourself.

And I don’t say that in a chastising way or to point out that you are doing anything wrong in the least. In fact, it’s actually meant to be empowering, because it means that you are always in control of how you show up in the world. You are always in charge of changing how you do things, what you say yes to, and you are always in a position to make a different decision.

Can it be hard to choose a new way? Absolutely. Which is why we are so scared to do it! We don’t want to let people down. We don’t want to have to handle their negative emotions or experience their disappointment or wrath.

But how can we continue living our life so that someone else can feel safe and taken care of? How can we take that on, every hour of every day, forever?

We can't. It’s not our responsibility, and it even might be (actually it is) doing them a disservice because you're never allowing them to work through their own stuff. You are denying them the incredibly educational opportunity to do for themselves. To learn, grow, adjust, get better. 

But don’t forget: being there for others can be incredibly rewarding. But you have to figure out a way to do it on your time and in a way that feels easy and makes you happy too!

That’s exactly why I ended up shifting from competing and modeling to writing and coaching. Because I had to figure out a way to create meaning in what I was doing – and that had to involve other people. It needed to be bigger than myself and my abs, ha!

Your emotional battery needs to be charged up in order to be able to give emotional energy away. Because when you are emotionally drained and trying to do for others, it shows. It shows up in resentment, bitterness, impatience, unhappiness and not feeling as though you effective in your own life. How could you be? You aren’t even living your own life. And it's not their fault -- you're the one who keeps saying yes! 

And so, this brings me to the concept of purpose and meaning.

The way you derive meaning cannot be 100% self-focused and it cannot be 100% other-focused. Navigating that middle (what I consider the “bell-shaped curve of giving”) is tricky, but it the key to feeling directed in your life, focused, accomplished, effective, productive and happy!

Showing up for others in an open and positive way once you have taken care of your own goals is the ultimate in flow. You’re more creative, open, aware, available and useful. Purpose is recognizing what’s important to you, and then taking steps to create that reality for yourself.

My purpose now? Creating meaningful messages and sharing meaningful tools that help women get better, stronger (mentally and physically) and feel understood.

It infiltrates everything I do. It need to do it. It’s what I was meant to do, as evidenced by the ease with which it happens. It’s in the giving that I receive. Truly. I give on my own terms and in my own way. My contribution is both selfless and selfish, at the same time! My work and creative outlet serves others and myself.

It took years to find that balance, the top of that bell-shaped curve, but I know it’s finally working because my happiness and my outcomes are both progressing – together.

So. Are you ready to finally prioritize you and uncover that thing that makes you the most happy and the most focused and the most productive? It’s not out there, running around for everything, making sure they still like you ;) It’s inside. It’s a discerning of your purpose and a following of your passion.

There are so many ways to uncover your purpose, and it can certainly feel overwhelming, which is why I love Maryalice’s education. She walks you through the process, step-by-step. Check out all the details and be sure to enroll before it closes on Sunday!