Now that I am reading back over this email, it seems to pertain more to fitness and wellness professionals, but if you are someone who struggles with putting yourself out there or is a people-pleaser or is someone who is overly concerned with not ruffling feathers, then I think you’ll be able to glean something from this email too ;)

Lately, I have been finding myself saying this a quite a bit, “I’m just not invested in …” whatever.

“… whether you do the work or not.”

“… what you’re able to do (or not do).”

“… what someone thinks of what I’m doing.”

“… if others ‘get’ my philosophy or not.”

And because of the frequency with which I’ve been saying it, I thought I’d look at that more closely. I’m actually fascinated with motivation and what inspires people to be successful or to get focused or to achieve. And when I kept noticing myself saying this, I started questioning, “Should I be invested?”

Besides, isn’t being “invested” in someone else a good thing? As a personal trainer, we think we should be “invested” in our clients, right? As a business coach in Best of You, I should be invested in my girls’ outcomes, right?

And when I think about it, I certainly am, but I don’t know if that’s really the best word for it.

Because when I think of investment, I think about the fact that I might have to micromanage a client to assure that they get the desired outcomes, and they might feel more desire to please me than to actually make the change on their own. Or they might feel such an intense pressure from me that they become discouraged or overwhelmed because I have made it about me needing them to arrive somewhere within a specific time period.

How does that kind of pressure help either of us? It’s bad for them because now their motivation is making me happy and proud of them, versus being intrinsically motivated to get fit or be successful. And it’s bad for me because I am not teaching them how to struggle through on their own and grow, but instead I am teaching them that I will rule them with an iron fist and they better show me results or else.

Also, if I am a good coach, shouldn’t I want my clients to eventually not need me?

And so I think the better approach would be to guide and support, without actually being invested in the outcome. I have to be detached from the outcome, otherwise, the pursuit becomes about me.

So while I can provide the tools and be a cheerleader, I can really only do that when the client/mentoree is ready to start taking action on her own. That’s kind of the only way it works. And so I guess I am invested, but it’s in their process, not their outcomes.

I think this happens a lot when we give money or time to someone else, too. We feel like we deserve some results. We feel like the other person owes us as much. And while this is understandable and I think it’s only human, one of my biggest pet peeves in the fitness industry is when trainers say, “If you’re not going to take my advice, then stop asking for it.” Like it's such a hardship to sit around talking about what you know.

This, IMO, is a naïve way and personal way of taking the situation. Just because we take 5 minutes to support someone doesn’t mean they owe us anything. Remember, it’s always your choice to give advice or not. Releasing attachment to what someone does with that advice is key for everyone’s sanity AND eventual motivation.

And usually, it’s not even that they don’t want to take our advice, they just literally can’t. Because their willpower is drained, they have not made it a priority or a habit yet, they don’t have the motivation that you do, or they simply can’t implement.

And when I make an investment in someone (money, time, advice, whatever) and then hold them to the some outcome, it’s actually not an investment at all; it’s a loan with conditions. And I think most of us hate feeling like we owe someone something. So let’s stop doing that to other people.

Thus, I guess the difference here is investment in the process versus the outcome. And learning to release attachment to what someone does or doesn’t do with our offering.

The next few “not invested” examples above pertain to my business and the messages I put out at JillFit. I think the nature of some of the topics – particularly mindset and nutrition – can be a little touchy.

People want to assert their experience (which is fine) and they want to share what they know (which is fine) and they want to tell you what you’re doing is wrong (which is fine) and they want to take things personally (which is fine). It’s actually all fine, because … I’m just not that invested in it anymore.

It’s been an interesting last few years at JillFit, as the platform has grown and the voice/message has changed. It’s been an amazing time, so magical and I am so grateful for anyone who wants to be involved, reads or supports. But with a larger platform comes more opinions, naysayers, trolls, whatever – and what I’ve come to realize is that wasting time on those who don’t get it is futile.

And I’m not invested in if you do or don’t. It’s not my business.

The beautiful thing about the online space/blogging and saying what you want in those spaces is that there is room for every voice and every opinion. It’s amazing, and I love it.

But from a personal development standpoint, I’ve had to learn to release my hold on needing everyone to “get” my stuff. Not everyone will, and it’s a perfect system, because those with whom it resonates will stay, love it and are forever changed by the messages shared, and those with whom it doesn’t resonate will leave, and find something that suits them better. It’s the perfect stratification system!

Besides, I would never want to be in a position where I am trying to convince people to do it my way. Everyone has the perfect way for them, and I guess if I have one wish, it would be to help women become independent thinkers so that they can ascertain their own way ;)

I am reminded of this lesson often as I am coaching 84 women in this year’s Best of You Coaching mentorship: “Don’t let a handful of people who don’t get it keep you from creating valuable content for the thousands more who do.” 

Writing from a place of honesty and vulnerability online can be scary, especially for those just getting started. And because there are so many people seemingly saying the same thing, you kind of sort of have to say something a little different, and draw a line in the sand and say, “I stand for this.” Which, again, is scary because it’s natural to not want to ruffle feathers. Besides, you want people to like you. Of course you do, you’re human. But in order to create resonance, you can't be scared to have an opinion. Because if you try to be for everyone, you end up being for no one.

The key is that not everyone will agree, and not everyone has the same opinion. And I think the lesson here is that not everyone has to. Thus, releasing attachment to “being right” or “being heard” or “getting everyone on your team.” It’s a pointless pursuit. And such a good lesson for us as professionals.

So many of my BOY Club girls have asked me how to handle people who disagree with you or “haters” – I think having people speak up against your message says that you are standing for something and making an impact. Which is a good thing, an amazing thing! Besides, “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” ~Aristotle

The key is allowing space for differences in opinion and space for discussion.

Because no one person has it all figured out. We all have experiences that are not wrong. Our personal stories can never be wrong. And what works for you works for you, and that’s amazing. And different approaches and differences in opinion don’t have to mean you don’t like one another – geez, it’s just food! – so creating space for honest, open and respectful discussion is key.

And so, to summarize: I am not invested. In other people’s outcomes. I wish them the best, but what they do or don’t do is up to them. I am first in line with the tools, insight and guidance, but in order to make lasting change, it has to come from within.

And I am also not invested in if someone "gets" my stuff or not. It’s not my job or my business to convince people to do things my way. I am grateful when my way is able to help someone, but this should be an organic process. I will not rule with an iron fist ;)

Thank you for allowing me the space, as always, to talk through some of my inner dialogue and I hope these insights have offered you some new perspective into things going on in your life or relationships you are struggling with. If not, I’m okay with that! Ha!

Have a great week, and as always, let me know how you’re doing!

Xo,

Jill

P.S. Just a reminder that I am speaking at Lori Harder’s Bliss Project event in Los Angeles on Feb 27^th! I’d love for you to be there so that we can hang out IRL! There are only a handful of tickets left so be sure to grab yours ASAP!