I love this story not because I’m proud of him (though of course I am), but because it illustrates so clearly the power of self-belief and conviction.
The concept of confidence and conviction has been coming up a lot for me lately. In fact, I’m in the middle of crafting a new blog about it. But mostly I am fascinated by confidence on women. Why do some have it, and why don’t others? Why does one person believe she can do more and another doesn’t? What contributes to that process and those outcomes?
Because I do believe one thing strongly: the degree to which you think you can and think you deserve to be doing something, literally creates the reality of you actually achieving it or not.
I’ve had this conversation with Jade often, and he’s said he’s always been that way: achievement-oriented and even borderline angry when others implicated
he couldn’t do something. It’s funny, sometimes we’ll run into people he went to high school with around town and they often say, “I knew you would do something big.”
How can one have that attitude at such a young age? That kind of conviction?
I certainty didn't. I think for me, my
confidence was built over time and with people like Jade and others giving me permission and lending their confidence until I could fully take it on. I think that for most people, they need someone else to believe in them first before they can truly believe it.
But how can you and I harness confidence organically? How can we build it? And why should we even care to?
In my experience, confidence and conviction can be game-changers. They shift your results by first shifting the internal conversation you are having in your head. Your self-belief becomes your reality if you have the courage to change your internal dialogue and trust that you, YES YOU, actually have value and strength and contribution and power. This, of course takes insight and practice.
Here are some of my fav ways I’ve used to my own boost confidence:
1) Get in the gym and lift some weight.
This may be self-evident, but I
always like to start here because there’s something so powerful about building your physical strength in order to boost mental strength. I dunno, call it the meathead ego in us, but you kind of feel like a badass as you get stronger and your body starts to look different as a result of that hard work with the iron. It’s something to celebrate.
I still remember hitting the weights at 16 with
my friend Sally, and we’d always feel super tough afterwards, like, bring on the fist fight bitches! We were ready! Lol, looking back of course we never got in any fights, ha, but the key was the mental switch that I don’t think I would have experienced had I just done aerobics or running or sports. Those things are great, but when talking self-efficacy, nothing boosts it like intense lifting.
2) Go through some tough shit and come out on the other side.
Don’t let your obstacles and challenges go unacknowledged. Whether you are working through something currently or you have been through some tough times in the past, I want you to recognize and celebrate the fact that you endured, you figured it out and you are here
with those lessons learned in your back pocket.
No one likes discomfort and struggle, but they are inevitable. I believe that life always gives us the exact things we need–even when they seem unfair and painful. But they can be gifts, too. They can be used to build resiliency, mental fortitude and a whole arsenal full of mental tools that we can pull from later. For those who
have a hard time feeling confident, pull from your tough experiences and appreciate that you’ve earned your right to it.
3) Start owning your choices.
What does that mean? It means when you make a choice, about anything, as an adult, you
own it and don’t complain about something that you actually have control over.
I struggled with this for a long time, especially when I was doing figure competitions. I was the one signing up and training for them, and yet, I was also the one complaining about how hard it all was and blaming other people/the world/my diet food/the judges/WHATEVER for
making me miserable. Hello? Was I not in control of those decisions? Was I not the one making choices for myself? Of course I was! I’m actually sick of myself just thinking about this story, ha!
But the key is that there’s power in owning the decisions that you make FOR YOU. And if you can’t take ownership of the things you have control over—like your actions and your attitude—you are always
going to feel at the mercy of other people/circumstances. And that undermines confidence.
The bottom line is that fully taking responsibility for your own choices puts you in the driver’s seat of your life. You get to show up confidently, knowing full well that you can make a different choice at any time. That’s the ultimate in power! So next time you find yourself on the
blaming/complaining train, ask, “What parts of this are my decision? What different choice can I make to make this better for myself?” And if you don’t want to do anything different, well then fine, vent for a second but then find a way to own it and then STFU #sorrynotsorry ;)
4) Stop apologizing.
Have you ever met someone who says sorry every time they speak? It’s almost like they are apologizing for existing or for contributing. I hate that for them because somewhere along the way, the message of I’m-not-good-enough has gotten so ingrained that they feel like every action or word is unworthy. That’s such BS and I want women—you, me, my mom, your mom, your daughter, all women—to stop feeling like they
have to justify everything. You don’t have to justify how you choose to eat to anyone. You never have to apologize for your body. Don’t try to preempt other people’s judgments or comments by apologizing first for being “heavy” or “flabby” or “not in shape right now.”
Small, offhand comments spoken as subtle apologies for not being perfect take our power away. It takes you out of your power
and gives it over some arbitrary standard of beauty or perfection or physique or way it’s “supposed” to be. It’s subtly confirming that you are indeed not good enough, and downloading that self-belief every single time, which of course undermines confidence.
This is not about bragging or about shouting your value from the rooftops either (though I am fine with that too). This is just about
not giving your power away with your own words. This is about feeling a deep sense of worthiness inside and then acting accordingly.
Show up fully. Own the exact way you show up. The more you show up as is and with conviction about who you are and what you are doing, the more others will start to see you that way too. It's a feed-forward cycle.
Aaaaaah! I have so many more goodies for you in the new blog, coming soon, but I wanted an opportunity to tell that story about Jade because it was so powerful for me in terms of confidence and self-belief.
I am so proud of him and Keoni for publishing their second major book this week,
‘Lose Weight Here,’ and I feel honored to have been part of the journey for the last 10 years.
If you are struggling with weight loss resistance, stubborn fat and a metabolism that is not
working, then you definitely need to grab ‘Lose Weight Here’ this week. The ELEL protocol especially was a huge game-changer for me, and was hands-down THE THING that helped me quit my obsessive exercise and start to get my hunger and sugar cravings under control.
Have a great weekend and practice your confidence!
Xo,
Jill
