I think the topic of control freakery deserves a whole lot of conversation. In fact, I started this post initially as a
Facebook status update, but I realized I had a lot to say, and it started getting lengthy, so I thought I’d send you an
email.
So here we are: how to stop trying to control every little thing. Why would you want to do that? Control feels good! Only until, well, you inevitably can't control something and then it feels really scary and uncertain.
I want you to stop trying to control every single thing because:
- It's impossible
- When you mentally clear out the need to control in everything, life gets a whole lot easier,
happier, kinder, and less stressful
I get emails from women every single day who want to be able to control how their body looks. I get that because I have had the same conversation in my head for the last 15 years: "If I just put this food in my body, and do this exercise, I will get this result, right? Right?!" But ... WHY IS IT NOT HAPPENING THAT WAY?
Not being able to control outcomes can feel really, well, out of control. We feel discouraged,
helpless and hopeless when things don't look like we thought they would, or we think they should. It's a fairness issue, right? We think A + B = C and when it doesn't go as planned, it's disorienting and scary. We feel betrayed.
I get that. In fact, I spent the majority of my adult life trying to control everything. An example is of when I was in high school and college, I hated group projects.
Mainly because, well, I thought I always did the
best work, and let's face it, I wanted to be in control and didn't want someone else slacking to bring down my grade (just being honest!). So what would often happen is, I'd either just do the entire thing myself OR monitor/oversee everything anyone else did.
In retrospect, while I see there's merit in ambition and wanting everything to be perfect, I was a complete control freak. And I was anxious and stressed and miserable as a result.
There are
a million other instances of this: always being the one to plan everything for everyone ("It will never get done unless I do it!"), deciding what our group is going to do, where we're going to eat., what time we will go and who needs to be where when so that everything works out perfectly.
Again, all fine and well but over time, I started seeing that the anxiety and stress that I initially attributed to everyone else being incompetent was actually my own doing
because I was terrified of something going wrong, of someone dropping the ball, of not being in control.
So the question becomes, what if I didn't plan something? What would happen?
Maybe someone else would step up and do it (to my pleasant surprise!). Or maybe they wouldn't and we’d end up doing nothing. Nothing would happen. People might drop the ball ... and then what?
… the outcome would
be fine. It all ends up being fine! Even if it's not, WE FIGURE IT OUT. Don’t we? We are capable of learning and growing as a result of things not going perfectly.
The main way I taught myself to stop being a control freak and start trusting the journey is by doing things just like that above, by allowing whatever outcomes to transpire. Experiencing things that have completely blindsided me. Allowing shitty stuff to happen. Letting life get in the way and
then riding the wave, learning and growing with it.
There is so much freedom in trust.
And trust is the opposite of control.
I spent the majority of my adult life trying to control everything: how my body looked, what food I needed to have when, what food/exercise would be available to me wherever I went, what someone thought of me, was I meeting everyone's
needs (if I was, then certainly they'd like me, right?), what Jade was doing, what other people were doing, was it okay, were they doing it right. I'd police other people's choices because well, it would be better if they just did it my way because ... then I’d know what's going to happen and I could control the situation.
And when something didn't go according to how I thought it should, I'd be devastated. The emotion I felt most often was
disappointment.
I think wanting to control stuff is normal. It feels good to know exactly what's going to happen and when. And I think as we grow up, most driven, ambitious kids naturally try to control things. If they study, they get an A. If they do well in school, their parents will love and approve of them. If they get a good job, they'll be safe. If they get married in time, they'll be affirmed in society's eyes. When they're ready to have a baby, conception should
happen immediately. If we just love our kids and provide, they will grow up and be perfect.
Can you see how sometimes (many times) things don't work out like this?
Life gets in the way. Things happen that are out of our control. There are zero guarantees.
And though it's scary to think about: we are never safe from outcomes. The idea that we can avoid mistakes by "doing
everything right" is sadly untrue. I wish it was! But after years of crazy dieting and competing and relationships that have not worked out "perfectly" and disapproval from those I
should have been able to get on my team, etc., you start to see that LIFE is uncontrollable.
This is scary. But on the other hand, it's also liberating.
And remember, just because you can't control outcomes doesn't mean you give up or stop striving.
In fact, I've found that when I am open to outcomes, not completely attached to them, I work harder! I’m more driven because I feel open to many different scenarios. I trust the process and most importantly, I don't need to control anyone else or anything else, because I TRUST MYSELF completely! I get to take action, I get to choose my attitude, I get to choose my perception and then watch what happens. And learn. And keep going. It’s amazing.
And I don't know that I
ever would have been able to reach a point of complete self-trust if I didn't quit trying to control every little thing.
It's funny. I'm currently on a 6-week vacation with 5 other people, and not a one of us is a control freak. So comically, the only problem we are having is that no one really wants to make any group decisions, ha! Everyone just says, "I'm fine with whatever!" and my mother-in-law Joyce just keeps saying, "I'm just a follower." Haha. It's been funny.
And eye-opening. No one needs anyone else to do anything. No one needs anyone else to be in a specific place at a specific time. Every one wants everyone else to do exactly what they want to do when they want to do it. It's extremely liberating and a whole lot of easy. (Be sure to follow the #tetatrek on
Instagram -- one more week!).
What are
your thoughts on control? What are your experiences? Where are you with this? I'd love to hear all about it!
Until next time
...