First ... a quick note to let you know that my brand new course, the Mindset Makeover 2: #RadicalResponsibility is now open for enrollment, until this Friday July 17^th. Get all the details and register here.

Next, I want to talk about other people’s opinions.

The concept of valuing other people’s opinions about our body—and our general good-enough-ness—has been coming up a lot lately at JillFit. Women write in with notes like this:

Okay, so lot’s of exclamation points, and some obvious frustration.

I feel you. It can be totally frustrating when we notice that we value other people’s opinions over our own. It’s certainly a WTF moment.

But look, you are human. Feeling that way is normal and common. But that also doesn’t mean that you can’t change things. It also doesn’t mean you can’t change your self-perception.

I have several points to make about this.

The things I say—out loud—have weight. If I literally say, “I think this and I can’t stop it!” well then, I can’t really be surprised when in fact, I can’t stop thinking this. My beliefs become my reality. And so, the first step to changing my approach is realizing that I am not powerless.

This is what taking #RadicalResponsibility is about. You don’t allow old, fucked up stories about how things always have been, to influence how things are moving forward. Just because historically something has been difficult for you doesn’t mean it needs to continue to be.  You have the right to change at any time.

The distance between what we are actually doing and what we want to be doing is represented by “shoulds.” And it’s misery. It’s mental aerobics: “Ugh, I know I should do that!” or “I know I shouldn’t keep doing this!” – how do these judgments on top of those things are/are not doing serving us?

Self-judgments about how badly we are doing everything only complicate the situation.

So be aware of your language. If you find yourself stating something, and then immediately imparting a judgment of “… and that’s bad” on top of it, realize it’s just compounding the bad vibes and the helplessness. It keeps you trapped in a mentality of how bad you do stuff. Which not only is depressing as hell, but also not true. Watch those instantaneous self-judgments.

This is a toughie because we want to be able to manage other people’s perceptions. If they like us, if they think we’re worthy, if they think we look good, THEN we’ll be adequate. THEN we’ll be okay. THEN we’ll have value.

If they don’t approve, we think we must suck.

I hate this because while these feelings are so normal, they are also just not true. But they’re common in a society where we are all constantly judging one another. It’s easy to put the ownership on someone else. Then we get to be off the hook for doing the hard internal work of looking at our own stuff.

It’s also effortless to put the blame on “our culture.” For example, in the news recently, there’s been a lot of buzz around elite female tennis stars and body image. Someone sent me an article where several female tennis pros were quoted talking about how self-conscious they felt about their bodies.

First, every woman is absolutely entitled to her own opinion and journey. So to me, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with insecurities.  We all have them. But the key is … are you willing to look at them? Work on them? And also, it is all relative, isn’t it?

One example. Andrea Petkovic, ranked 14^th in the world said, “I just feel unfeminine. I don’t know — it’s probably that I’m self-conscious about what people might say.”

Again, absolutely valid, everyone has a right to her own perception. But if someone who has in reality a physique that would be considered in the top 0.0001% of lean and fit, PLUS who is in reality a huge “success” AND ALSO in reality, looks like this …

… is struggling with other people’s opinions, can we all agree that feeling worthy and beautiful and good enough is completely and totally subjective? We get to choose it!

But of course, just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy to choose to feel worthy. Or to value your own opinion over that of others.

But, I have to be completely and totally honest with you right now (plus, a little tough love-y):

Is it true? Absolutely.

Believe me, I have received all kinds of comments from men, women, family members, friends, whoever, who all want to impart their opinion on my body. But letting that sit as justification for why we are not going to even bother to work on our own mental game is just day 1 stuff.

It’s normal to feel like we want validation from others—our society breeds that kind of approval-seeking. We learn it from a young age: do well and you will be rewarded; mess-up and you will be punished.

But at some point, we have to take charge of our own worth. We have to assume responsibility for our own value, because we can never, ever get enough outside validation to feel worthy. This process is an inside job. And seeking value based on how we are being perceived by others is a total trap.

You probably know that while I love insights—I could sit around talking this stuff for days—I also need tools and strategies. It’s the, “Okay, so now what?” piece of the puzzle.

And going to worst-case scenario in any situation is one of my favorite tools. This is useful because if you think about it, the thing we fear the most is probably being ostracized. Not being accepted. Not being good enough.

So let’s go there. Let’s get worst-case out of the way so we don’t have to be so scared of it anymore.

Start by thinking about the thing you are the absolutely most scared of happening. Who says it? What judgment do they make? How do they say it? How does it make you feel? What happens as a result of it?  Take yourself on that mental journey to that place you fear the most.

Now, I want you to ask yourself, “If that happened, what could I do?”

What action could you take, what moves could you make to get back in your power. How would you handle it? What’s your contingency plan? What mental tools do your harness to pick yourself back up?

I like this strategy because it forces you to face the thing you are the most scared of and come up with a plan of attack if it happened. Not that you want it to, but mentally going there allows you to see that if it did happen, even though it would be painful and scary, you could handle it. And when you reinforce the fact that you can handle stuff, your level of self-trust increases! It’s liberating.

It’s nice to be human. We get to make snap judgments about other people and then move on.

I remember in the 4^th grade, Mike Driscoll said I look like a monkey, in front of all his friends. The 9-year-old brain is hilarious by the way, as if “monkey” is the worst thing you could ever be called ;) But alas, it was devastating and I carried it for a number of years—examining my face and trying to change the way I smiled (or didn’t smile), self-conscious and tortured.

But at some point, I realized that honestly, whether I look like a monkey or not (I do actually! Lol. Though I think we all do considering we evolved from apes, ha!), IT’S MY FACE. And I’m stuck with it. So I can either learn to like it or be miserable forever. I have big muscly thighs, I can learn to appreciate them or hate myself. While it might be nice to lose a few lbs because my pants would fit better, I can choose to accept where I’m at and then head to the gym today OR I can wallow in pity over the fact that I wish I were smaller.

Choices.

We have them. And our most powerful choice is our perception. How we choose to see ourselves can either keep us miserable or empower us.

So while I don’t think you ever get away from wanting approval from others, realize that your own self-perception is way more important. Because you are the one who has to live with you. Mike Driscoll doesn’t have to look at my face every day. I do.

If I find myself valuing others’ opinions and feeling out of my power, my turnaround is to my own self-belief. What makes me feel empowered? What doesn’t?

It’s an ongoing practice, but something that gets easier the more aware you become.

Right now, I am so, so grateful—for you, for this space to share thoughts and for the peace and love in my heart. Thank you for being here, for your willingness to get better through introspection and for your openness to the process. I don’t take those things lightly. You really are amazing, and rare.

I want to give you an opportunity to go deeper with me.

My brand new course—Mindset Makeover 2: #RadicalResponsibility—is open now for enrollment through this Friday July 17^th only. It’s a 6-week email-based course designed to help you get super clear on your own self-beliefs and start to turn them around in real time to a perspective that serves you.

The key is outcomes: how does changing your mindset change your reality. When you think differently, you get different results. And luckily, it’s all a choice and we get to create our lives in every moment.

Get all the details and enroll here.

And of course, let me know if you have any questions!

Know that I’m loving you (although I know you value you own self-love more ;))!

Xo,

Jill